Headline Valley News Dispatch: Pair convicted in parking-garage shooting

Watch out! He’s got his angry eyes on.

AP Photo:

Caption: "As seen in this photo released in New York by Hasbro, Inc., Friday, Jan. 14, 2005, Hasbro, Inc.’s Playskool division is launching a new Mr. Potato Head figure, Darth Tater. Available at stores nationwide in February, kids will be able to have all kinds of mix ‘n match,Mr. Potato Head fun with this wacky spud dressed as the infamous Star Wars saga villain, Darth Vader. (AP Photo/ Hasbro, Inc., HO)"

AFP Photo:

Caption: “Not impressed… : Rococo toad ‘Kermit’ looks unimpressed as he is weighed during the inventories at the zoo in Hanover. (AFP/DDP/Jochen Luebke)”

People who don’t know me well often think that I am very dull and repetitious, especially in my choice of food. Even some people who know me well sometimes accuse me of that.

On a trip down to North Carolina about a year ago, we saw an exit sign for Bland, Virginia. I commented that I thought I could live quite comfortably in a city named Bland. To which, my son replied, "Are you kidding, Dad? You could be the mayor of Bland!"

Of course, since he actually knows me quite well, he was kidding.

Sort of.

Contrary to what some think, I do not want to have the same food for dinner every night. Far from it. I would be content to have a different main course for every weekday. Salmon on Sundays. Meat loaf on Mondays. Tuna Fish on Tuesdays. Western Omelets on Wednesdays. Turkey on Thursdays. Fish on Fridays. And to be a little wild and crazy, Pizza on Saturdays. Why not live life to the fullest, I say.

People at work often make fun of me for "always" having the same lunch. "Enjoy your cottage cheese and raisins," they say with a laugh as they go out (usually for pizza — the hypocrites). They don’t realize how wrong they are. Why a couple years ago, I started always adding peanuts to the cottage cheese and raisins. So much for never altering the menu. And I also have two pieces of fruit with the cottage cheese, raisins and peanuts. True they are usually apples, but sometimes one will be a pear, or a peach. I’ve even gone a little mad and taken a nectarine a few times.

But today was a red-letter day, one to silence forever those who accuse me of being bland and stuck in a rut. As I packed my lunch, I noticed the shaker of Splenda and cinnamon. "Why not?" I thought. "I’ll do it!" And I did it. Perhaps you won’t believe it, but it is the truth. I sprinkled Splenda and cinnamon on my cottage cheese, raisins, and peanuts.

It was good, but I probably won’t add Splenda and cinnamon every day. I don’t want to get a reputation for being profligate.

There is a long tradition of the father passing out cigars to celebrate the birth of a baby. But with smoking such a taboo these days, apparently some fathers are now passing out carrots instead.

Before you blame Kibabu for his surly nature, try to smoke a carrot yourself and see if it doesn’t make you grumpy too.

AFP Photo:

Caption: “Watchful eye… : Kibabu, a Western Lowland silverback gorilla, keeps an eye on his six-day-old baby Kimya who ventured into public view for the first time at Taronga Zoo in Sydney. (AFP/Torsten Blackwood)”

Sitting quietly in the back of the car pool on the way to work at Circle-M this morning, I was quite pleased that I was awake and heading to work at all after the late night. (I was killing spam for Kaymusings.) But then I noticed there was something wrong with my pocket. There was a very large nothing in it: a wallet shaped hole. I had left my wallet in the desk when I left for work, and so I didn’t have any identification with me.

This doesn’t happen to me often. It used to be more of a problem way back last century when I forgot my wallet. When I got to work, I would have to call someone from my area who was there before me, and have them come down to the security desk to sign me in. That was difficult some mornings since I work the early shift, but eventually some one would come in and sign me in.

But the last time I forgot my wallet, it wasn’t that bad. I told them at the guard desk that I forgot my wallet with my identification, and the guard said, "That isn’t a problem. Just give me another picture ID."

"I don’t have any ID since they are all in my wallet."

"No problem," he replied. He just took my name, and brought up the picture from my Circle-M ID on his terminal. The picture is pretty old now, from at least eight years ago. It is a pre-facial hair picture. From the flip of my hair, I can tell it is at least three months in the seasonal cold weather haircut moratorium. But I still looked enough like the picture that the guard recognized me, printed off the ID on a one day ID sticker and waved me on through.

(I think it is part of the penance you pay for forgetting your ID that they make you wear your sticker ID all day, declaring your incompetent to the world. Look at me! I left my ID at home today! Yes, I am a dope!)

Well, I expected things to be the same today. I went to the security desk and waited in line with five people ahead of me. They all presented some ID, got their picture taken, and were waived through with their temporary picture sticker.

Then it was my turn. "I forgot my wallet with my ID."

"Just give me a picture ID, and I’ll take care of you," said the guard.

"I don’t have any picture IDs. They are in my wallet which I forgot." So far everything was going right as expected. But then things took a strange turn.

"You don’t have any picture ID?" He was astonished. It was as if I had walked up to his guard station wearing no clothes and demanded that he make the Circle-M CEO stop beaming mind control waves into my dental fillings. Imagine! Someone without any picture ID!

He looked at the other guard on duty with him. "What do we do? Umm…. You’ll have to go over to the end of the desk while we find out what to do."

I was astounded. I went to the other end of the guard station and told the other guard, "The last time I forgot my wallet, one of the guards simply brought up my ID on the terminal and used the picture to identify me. Or, if you prefer, I can call up to my floor and get someone to come sign me in. What do you want me to do?" Meanwhile, I’m wondering how many times a day does someone forget their IDs. Why is she looking at me like I have two heads?

"You’ll have to wait while I call my supervisor to find out what to do," she informed me. She called up and explained the situation, and … surprise … the supervisor told her to bring up my picture, identify me that way, and give me a temporary sticker ID.

I have seen these same two guards almost every day for years. These were not new people on duty. I don’t expect them to just wave me through the turnstiles when I have no ID. Of course they have to go through some identification process. But don’t people forget their picture IDs every day? What was so new or unique here that got them so flustered? I’m sure there are documented procedures for this very situation that these guards have been through more times than you can count. It was very strange.

I think I’ll make sure to bring my wallet tomorrow.

AP Photo:

Caption: "
Water pours out of Devil’s Gate Dam into the Arroyo Seco in Pasadena, Calif., Monday, Jan. 10, 2005. Storms in California have dumped several inches of rain continuously for several days. A succession of storms, which have brought heavy snow to parts of Northern California and astonishing amounts of rain to the south, was blamed for the deaths of at least 12 people, turning normally mild Southern California into a giant flood zone. (AP Photo/Pasadena Star-News, Walt Mancini)"

We’ve been getting a good bit of rain in the Pittsburgh area also, to the extent that it comes pouring in through the one corner. Thankfully, it just flows across the floor and down the drain, but it has been happening more this winter than ever before due to the numerous, heavy rains.

Hammer [Groucho Marx]: … Now here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico [Chico Marx]: Why a duck?

Hammer: I’m all right. How are you? I say here is a little peninsula, and here’s a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: All right. Why a duck?

Hammer: I’m not playing Ask-Me-Another. I say, that’s a viaduct.

Chico: All right. Why a duck? Why a– why a duck? Why-a-no-chicken?

Hammer: Well, I don’t know why-a-no-chicken. I’m a stranger here myself. All I know is that it’s a viaduct. You try to cross over there on a chicken, and you’ll find out why a duck.

Chico: I no go someplace, I just–

Hammer: It’s deep water, that’s why a duck. It’s deep water.

Chico: That’s-why-a-duck.

Hammer: Look, rube. Suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and wanted to ford over there, you couldn’t make it. It’s too deep.

Chico: But what do you want with a Ford when you got a horse?

Hammer: Well, I’m sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it’s a viaduct.

Chico: Now look … all righta … I catcha on to why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that. I no catch on to why a duck.

Hammer: Well, I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They’re going to build a tunnel in the morning. Now, is that clear to you?

Chico: Yes, everything excepta why a duck.

–The Cocoanuts

AP Photo:

Caption: "A flock of geese walk along a flooded street next to the Ohio River, Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005, in New Richmond, Ohio. The river crested at 57 feet, about five feet above flood stage, and is receding. (AP Photo/Al Behrman)"

How do they fill up a newspaper every day? There are so many pages of articles that must be written, and it isn’t as if you can just make up the news.

Well, maybe you can.

Here’s a way to fill an article when there isn’t any news.

Take two facts.

• Four hurricanes hit Florida in 2004.

• Less manatee deaths were recorded in 2004 than in 2003.

Now comes the clever part. Write an article about how the first fact caused the second.

Headline AP: Hurricanes May Have Spared Manatees

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – The fury of four hurricanes in Florida may have spared the state’s endangered manatee population from further decline.

The annual report by the state Fish and Wildlife Research Institute shows deaths statewide fell to 276 in 2004 from 370 recorded in 2003.

“One theory is the four hurricanes that affected the state this year means we had less boating activity,” said Tom Pitchford, a biologist with the research institute. “Fewer boats on the water means fewer manatees struck.”

Of course, if you happen to know the reason for the decline in manatee deaths from 2003 to 2004 has nothing to do with the hurricanes, journalistic integrity will force you to admit as much, but you can bury it at the end of the article where it might not be noticed.

The total manatee death rate spiked in 2003 because of an aquatic phenomenon called a red tide event. It’s caused by an unpredictable algae bloom that can sicken and kill sea life when it is ingested.

In 2003, the red tide event killed about 96 manatees. Otherwise, the 2003 death rate would have been closer to the total in 2004.

But the important purpose of filling a few column inches of a newspaper has been met, even though there really isn’t any story here at all.

More importantly, a dull and uninspired blogger has something to write about this evening.

“License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that’s all she wrote.”

AP Photo:

Caption: “Jimmy Lynch shows a sink-hole that appeared on his front lawn, Monday, Jan. 10, 2005, in South Whittier, Calif., after a series of severe storms dumped near record amounts of water throughout California causing mud slides and flooding. (AP Photo/Whittier Daily News, Richard Lui)”