It is a beautiful day, and so you decide to go for a walk in the park. You wander down a narrow path through the woods leading down to a stream. But there are lots of deer in these woods. And I mean lots. The deer regularly use this path to go drink from the stream. There are deer pellets everywhere, and the banks of the stream show the hoof prints of the deer as they walked out into the stream to drink.

It looks clean, but you’ve seen enough to know you don’t want to drink this water.

With that image in your mind, we present the following that was forwarded to us from the mj Department of Unfortunate Product Names:

Dear mj Department of Blogging:

We ran across the following product that might interest you. Deer Park Natural Spring Water. We are sure the water is safe, but we found the name brings unfortunate images to mind. Much like the Chevy Nova (Do you really want to name your car “exploding sun” in English and “No go” in Spanish? Plus, wouldn’t “exploding sun” be a better name for the Pinto?) or the Mercury Mystique (Can anyone not think “Mistake” when they hear that name?), the name Deer Park Natural Spring Water makes us think of things that do not make us thirsty for their product. Given the option, we’d take a can of carbonated beet juice with other unnatural flavors and carcinogens, and skip the Deer infested Park water. Those things are just overgrown rodents, and we don’t want them having anything to do with our water, thank you very much.

We thought you might like to include this product in your blog (particularly seeing as your blogging has been, let’s put this charitably, rather inconsequential as of late). Our only request is that you mention our department, as we haven’t been getting much public exposure as of late.

The weather’s fine. Wish you were here.

The mj Department of Unfortunate Product Names

Here’s our reply:

Dear mj Department of Unfortunate Product Names:

Thank you for your letter informing us of this wonderful and healthy product. We are sorry to inform you that we can not use your idea in our blog. The mj Legal Department informs us that while you have the right to your opinion of an unfortunate product name, in this case, the name is in fact an excellent name for an excellent product. We mean this in the most sincere and legally binding way. (By the way, we would choose their water over carbonated beet juice with other unnatural flavors and carcinogens.)

Keep up the good work, and we’ll be sure to put in a plug for your department every chance we get.

Best regards,

Knilram

Struck by lightning while changing his oil, mild mannered computer programmer Thomas Anderson spends the rest of his life being called “Mr. Bughead”.

Reuters Photo:

Caption: “PICTURES OF THE YEAR 2004 A visitor passes by an installation titled ‘Autorotation’ by Austrian artist Leo Schatzl during the 26th Sao Paulo International Biennial, September 29, 2004. 135 artists from 60 countries, are exhibiting theirs paintings, sculptures, photographs and installations, at the 26th Sao Paulo International Biennial, which the theme is ‘Free Territory’, and will run until December 19. REUTERS/Paulo Whitaker”

Headline AP: Study Says Dolphins Are Too Thin

I have been told that some people don’t understand the “semolina pilchard” references. So, for all of you that are not up on the latest popular music, I’ll help to get you current as of 1967.

Semolina: (noun) The gritty coarse particles of wheat left after the finer flour has passed through a bolting machine, used for pasta. [Alteration of Italian semolino, diminutive of semola, bran, from Latin simila, fine flour, ultimately of Semitic origin. See smd in Semitic Roots.]

Pilchard: (noun) 1: small fatty fish usually canned [syn: sardine] 2: small fishes found in great schools along coasts of Europe; smaller and rounder than herring [syn: sardine, Sardina pilchardus]

So, semolina pilchard is pasta bran-sardines. Makes perfect sense, right? But you already knew that.

John Lennon put these words together in I Am The Walrus (lyrics exactly from the liner notes):

Semolina pilchard climbing up the Eiffel Tower.

Elementry penguin singing Hare Krishna man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen POE.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen — I am the walrus GOO GOO GOO JOOB

GOO GOO GOO JOOB GOO

GOOGOOOOOOOOOOOJOOOOOB

Supposedly the story behind this song is that Lennon was visiting a friend who showed him a newspaper report on how English teachers were assigning students the task of analyzing the meaning behind Beatles lyrics. (“What does ‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’ really mean? Write five pages double spaced for Monday. Extra credit for avoiding drug references.”)

Lennon found it interesting that people were searching for meaning in what he wrote, and so he purposefully set out to write the most bizarre juxtaposition of meaningless lyrics that he possibly could. He was throwing down the gauntlet to those pretentious people who were seeking for meaning behind his lyrics, in essence saying, “OK, try to find the meaning of this!” I Am The Walrus is the result.

What has been greatly neglected by music historians is the link between I Am The Walrus and other classic, ground breaking songs that came before.

I Am The Walrus is not the first song to use nonsense lyrics. Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B is a song Lennon would have undoubtable known. Notice the similarities of the nonsense lines, particularly the use of the double O.

A-toot a-toot, a-toot diddle-ee-ada-toot

He blows it eight to the bar

In boogie rhythm

He can’t blow a note unless the bass and guitar

Is playin’ with ‘im

He makes the company jump when he plays reveille

He’s the boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B

A-toot a-toot. Goo goo. Do you really think it is just a coincidence?

But even more significant is the similarities to the classic childhood song, Fuzzy Wuzzy:

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?

In the standard version of this song, it begins with just the recitation of the facts. We start with the name of the bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy. Then we learn the surprising fact that the bear is in fact bald. We are forced to admit that the song has by the second line taken us on an unexpected tangent. But we are still in the realm of facts. Then the song takes a truly bizarre turn in revealing that the name of the bear can be understood to be a contradiction of the previously established facts through the clever manipulation of a pun. The listener is left with a feeling of conflict as the name and the facts clearly do not go together in an understandable way.

Just as Fuzzy Wuzzy’s name doesn’t go with his lack of hair, semolina and pilchard do not go together in any understandable way. But Lennon goes one step further than the notable author of Fuzzy Wuzzy, for on top of the dissonance of putting semolina and pilchard together, Lennon has them climbing the Eiffel Tower, leaving us dizzy with the confusion.

As a matter of fact, we are so confused that you might find us sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.

Reuters Photo:

Caption: “South Korean Christmas promoters showcase a miniature replica of the Eiffel Tower, made of whisky bottles, at a donation drive to help needy neighbours in Seoul December 14, 2004. The 5.3 metre tower consists of 597 bottles. REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon”

It’s been a hard week. I don’t like to complain a lot about my hardships in life, but last week was my week off of running. For the most part I suffered in silence.

I have a little rule I try to follow to try to avoid repetitive use injuries. I take two days off each month and two weeks off each year. I should have taken the week off last month, but you know how it goes. Sometimes it is just to difficult to break out of the routine and do something different.

So finally last week, I made myself take the week off. That is life. You just have to do what you have to do. Bite the bullet. Take your medicine. Sigh.

Actually, it turned out to be an easy decision to take the time off. I inadvertently missed stretching after a run, and then sat in a car for eight hours. Not a very bright thing to do. My hamstrings tightened up on me tighter than a drum. On the next night’s run, it was cold out, and the tight hamstrings pulled my back. (You could say that I got a weak back about a week back.) With my back bothering me, it was a good time to take a break.

But the week is over! So tonight, I loaded up the MP3 player with the latest Collective Soul, and hit the road.

The run began with Better now:

Yeah, yeah

Oh, I’m newly calibrated,

Yeah, yeah

All shiny and clean.

Yeah, yeah

I’m your recent adaptation.

Yeah, yeah

Time to redefine me.

(Chorus:)

Let the word out. I’ve got to get out.

Oh, I’m feeling better now.

Let the news out. I’ve got to get out.

Oh, I’m feeling better now.

What an appropriate song for the moment. Everything felt good. No pain anywhere. It is strange, but most runs begin with some pain. Maybe an ankle, or knee. Nothing severe, and usually it loosens up and feels good about a mile into the run. I guess those pains are to be expected when you are an old man.

But tonight, from the start I felt loose, relaxed and ready to fly. Newly calibrated, so to speak. But the song only lasted about half a mile. Get to the end of the mile and check the time: 8 minutes. Slog through the second mile and check the time: 16 minutes. So much for flying. I was off like a herd of turtles. I ended the night averaging 7 minute 48 second miles. Time to redefine me … as a snail.

Why did I expect anything different? It was below freezing and snowing. Under these conditions, I usually consider it a success to just be out running, and don’t worry about the times because I’m slower than usual in the cold (if that is possible).

But after the run and stretching, my back feels good. You could say that I’m feeling better now.

Q.10. How did God create man?

A. God created man, male and female, in His own image and in knowledge, righteousness, and holiness, to rule over the other creatures.

God has given mankind dominion over the earth. We are responsible to care for the earth and the creatures on the earth.

Psalm 8

¹ O LORD, our Lord,
   how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
   ² Out of the mouth of babes and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
   to still the enemy and the avenger.

³ When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
   the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
⁴ what is man that you are mindful of him,
   and the son of man that you care for him?

⁵Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
   and crowned him with glory and honor.
⁶ You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
   you have put all things under his feet,
⁷ all sheep and oxen,
   and also the beasts of the field,
⁸ the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
   whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

⁹O LORD, our Lord,
   how majestic is your name in all the earth!

This is a tremendous responsibility, one that we have not always handled well.

A Darwinian understanding of survival of the fittest logically leads to a desire to exploit the resources of the earth without any care for impact to the creatures who share the earth with us. Why worry about them? They are just cosmic accidents. As we alter the environment, there will be other mutations that have the advantage, and the strong ones will survive. Those that die are the weak. They do not deserve our protection, but rather deserve our scorn.

However, a Christian understanding of God’s delegated dominion of the earth leads us to understand our responsibility to protect and defend the weak creatures, and to subdue and make the earth fruitful. And we do this for His glory.

Looking for a “perfect” Christmas gift?

Having trouble finding the “perfect gift”? Spread the joy of the holiday season by giving a gift that keeps on giving. The Pennsylvania Lottery’s instant tickets make great gifts. Most importantly, a Lottery ticket is more than a gift for just one person. According to the Pennsylvania Lottery, for every dollar you spend on a Lottery ticket, 36.95 cents goes to programs that support Pennsylvania’s senior citizens.

An example of one of these “perfect” gifts is the Jolly Jackpot. It costs $20, and the odds of the gift being worth more than the paper it is printed on is 1:3.44. So you can be comforted to know that one of three people you give this “perfect gift” can do something more than use it as a bookmark.

So we have ascertained that lottery tickets are perfect for people who like getting worthless pieces of paper. That way two out of every three people you give them to will not be disappointed.

As for the claim that lottery tickets are perfect because you are helping senior citizens, only one third of what you give goes toward these programs. Two thirds of what you give for lottery tickets is wasted as far as senior citizens are concerned. And two thirds of the people you give them get worthless paper as a gift.

Two thirds wasted money for two thirds worthless gifts. I’m glad to say that I have never given such a “perfect gift”, and I never plan to do so.

Jolly Jackpot to you.

Headline AP: Experts Urge People to Unplug Occasionally

Having spent the last few days away from home and getting my Internet by connecting to a wired router, I must agree with the “experts”. It is good to unplug the CAT-5 cable and wirelessly roam the house house again.

Headline AP: Eiffel Tower Opens Elevated Skating Rink